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15 Jul

Sometimes I wonder if I move far away where no one knows me would it be better? To start a new life and have a clean slate. To bury my most painful memories and have a new identity. People around me think they know me but do they really? Besides the basic things, my favorite food, color, music, movie; can they really say they know what makes me tick? What makes me sad, angry, happy, vulnerable? Too many times I have put myself out there and for what to get hurt? Someone once told me I must like pain because of the situations I put myself in sometimes. Maybe this is true but I feel it’s time to move on from the pain. I want to bury certain memories. Some of the memories are lucid but many are indelibly printed on the brain, usually the ones you want to erase. But these memories is an image, and each image is like a thread, and each thread is woven together to make a tapestry of intricate designs and textures. And that tapestry tells a story and that story is our past.

But than I remember this is what made me strong in the first place. Pain and struggle is what makes every thing make sense at the end of it all. You must feel a certain purpose once you made it through the turmoil. I’m struggling to find that purpose right now and feel like I’m muddling knees deep in quick sand. But when I look up and see past the dark covering of the trees, I see sunshine seeping through and this is what keeps me going. This might not make sense to some but to most who is struggling to find their purpose should understand the feeling of being lost. It’s not about anyone but yourself and this part of life you must walk alone. But the journey can be short if you can just find your purpose…..


Letter to young Chrissy

7 Jun

Dear Crystal Light,

In about 20 years you’re going to find yourself in a weird space. You are going to realize everything you wished for at 7 years old and everything you thought you wanted to accomplished won’t come true. The first super model-brain surgeon-astronaut is not going to happen because you develop a fear of the stage, you don’t like the hospital, and you now hate flying. I know it comes as a shock now because everyone around you will tell you, you can be whatever you want. What they don’t prepare you for is DISAPPOINTMENT.

My little baby girl you will get disappointed a lot in life but with all the disappointment you will develop a tough skin for this world. At a young age you will lose your innocence and oh how I wish I can go back and change that for you and tell you to wait until marriage or at least until you have more life experiences. You will meet people in school that you feel will be your best friend forever but then realize best friends become strangers. You will see so many people come and go in your life, I am surprise you don’t develop separation anxiety (but unfortunately you do inherit a type of anxiety disorder). Your first boyfriend would probably seem like he is the world to you but he will put you through so many things you would feel you can’t talk to anyone especially after ya break up. At this time you would go through a slight eating disorder but someone you least expect will be there for you and get you through this hard time. This will make you stronger and less gullible.

You will then meet your 2nd boyfriend someone older and wiser then you and realize you develop a thing for older men. You won’t take shit from anyone at this point because you don’t have any daddy issues. You will think at a young age of 19 that you are grown because you’re drinking and partying with older people but he will teach you that life is much more than that. He will be the person that molds you into womanhood but he will also be the person that truly breaks your heart 3 years later. Don’t let this bring you down because years later he will be a friend that is always by your side and you will understand that just because you can’t be with someone doesn’t mean you can’t be friends.

At this time you would go through a lonely stage and get with guys to fill that empty void you have after breaking up with your 2nd boyfriend. You will deal with someone who has an alcohol problem; you will deal with men that just want to be friends with benefits. You will meet men that “want to have their cake and eat it to”. You will try to be there for people because you’re a kind person and try to help them out as much as possible, but realize there are some people out there that you just can’t help. You will get frustrated at this point because you will unfortunately be attracted to assholes. Because of your tough skin you will be able to see through the bullshit but you will still want to be with someone because you’re lonely but don’t let this happen. You have to know you are worth more than an occasional phone call or text and know you are a good person with a good heart and any man would be lucky to be with you.

Yes baby girl you will be lonely a lot but you will have great friends in your life. You will have 2 best friends that been riding with you for over 15 years and other people in your life that wants the best for you. Your parents will be together for over 33 years and you will realize this is the type of relationship you want for yourself, so don’t settle for just anything and be patient because I’m sure someone will come along.

I am still waiting for my king but until than I will focus on changing myself for the better and getting a career I am finally content with. I will always have you baby girl in my heart and realize everything I do in life is to make you proud of me. I want you to understand that life is hard and you might want to give up but you must also realize life is really short. Live life to the fullest, love hard, play hard, work hard, and fuck anyone that is not on team Chrissy. I will continue to work hard until I feel you are proud of my accomplishments.

Love you more and more every day,


(inspired by Evelyn Lozada letter to her 7 year old self)Image


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