Tag Archives: life

Purpose

15 Jul

Sometimes I wonder if I move far away where no one knows me would it be better? To start a new life and have a clean slate. To bury my most painful memories and have a new identity. People around me think they know me but do they really? Besides the basic things, my favorite food, color, music, movie; can they really say they know what makes me tick? What makes me sad, angry, happy, vulnerable? Too many times I have put myself out there and for what to get hurt? Someone once told me I must like pain because of the situations I put myself in sometimes. Maybe this is true but I feel it’s time to move on from the pain. I want to bury certain memories. Some of the memories are lucid but many are indelibly printed on the brain, usually the ones you want to erase. But these memories is an image, and each image is like a thread, and each thread is woven together to make a tapestry of intricate designs and textures. And that tapestry tells a story and that story is our past.

But than I remember this is what made me strong in the first place. Pain and struggle is what makes every thing make sense at the end of it all. You must feel a certain purpose once you made it through the turmoil. I’m struggling to find that purpose right now and feel like I’m muddling knees deep in quick sand. But when I look up and see past the dark covering of the trees, I see sunshine seeping through and this is what keeps me going. This might not make sense to some but to most who is struggling to find their purpose should understand the feeling of being lost. It’s not about anyone but yourself and this part of life you must walk alone. But the journey can be short if you can just find your purpose…..

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Letter to young Chrissy

7 Jun

Dear Crystal Light,

In about 20 years you’re going to find yourself in a weird space. You are going to realize everything you wished for at 7 years old and everything you thought you wanted to accomplished won’t come true. The first super model-brain surgeon-astronaut is not going to happen because you develop a fear of the stage, you don’t like the hospital, and you now hate flying. I know it comes as a shock now because everyone around you will tell you, you can be whatever you want. What they don’t prepare you for is DISAPPOINTMENT.

My little baby girl you will get disappointed a lot in life but with all the disappointment you will develop a tough skin for this world. At a young age you will lose your innocence and oh how I wish I can go back and change that for you and tell you to wait until marriage or at least until you have more life experiences. You will meet people in school that you feel will be your best friend forever but then realize best friends become strangers. You will see so many people come and go in your life, I am surprise you don’t develop separation anxiety (but unfortunately you do inherit a type of anxiety disorder). Your first boyfriend would probably seem like he is the world to you but he will put you through so many things you would feel you can’t talk to anyone especially after ya break up. At this time you would go through a slight eating disorder but someone you least expect will be there for you and get you through this hard time. This will make you stronger and less gullible.

You will then meet your 2nd boyfriend someone older and wiser then you and realize you develop a thing for older men. You won’t take shit from anyone at this point because you don’t have any daddy issues. You will think at a young age of 19 that you are grown because you’re drinking and partying with older people but he will teach you that life is much more than that. He will be the person that molds you into womanhood but he will also be the person that truly breaks your heart 3 years later. Don’t let this bring you down because years later he will be a friend that is always by your side and you will understand that just because you can’t be with someone doesn’t mean you can’t be friends.

At this time you would go through a lonely stage and get with guys to fill that empty void you have after breaking up with your 2nd boyfriend. You will deal with someone who has an alcohol problem; you will deal with men that just want to be friends with benefits. You will meet men that “want to have their cake and eat it to”. You will try to be there for people because you’re a kind person and try to help them out as much as possible, but realize there are some people out there that you just can’t help. You will get frustrated at this point because you will unfortunately be attracted to assholes. Because of your tough skin you will be able to see through the bullshit but you will still want to be with someone because you’re lonely but don’t let this happen. You have to know you are worth more than an occasional phone call or text and know you are a good person with a good heart and any man would be lucky to be with you.

Yes baby girl you will be lonely a lot but you will have great friends in your life. You will have 2 best friends that been riding with you for over 15 years and other people in your life that wants the best for you. Your parents will be together for over 33 years and you will realize this is the type of relationship you want for yourself, so don’t settle for just anything and be patient because I’m sure someone will come along.

I am still waiting for my king but until than I will focus on changing myself for the better and getting a career I am finally content with. I will always have you baby girl in my heart and realize everything I do in life is to make you proud of me. I want you to understand that life is hard and you might want to give up but you must also realize life is really short. Live life to the fullest, love hard, play hard, work hard, and fuck anyone that is not on team Chrissy. I will continue to work hard until I feel you are proud of my accomplishments.

Love you more and more every day,

Christina

(inspired by Evelyn Lozada letter to her 7 year old self)Image

Is being a drama queen/heterosexual man the lastest rage? (the saga continues)

15 Feb

So I wrote this about 2 years ago and it still seems to apply….. I think I’m going to start playing for the other team because this is getting out of control. Enjoy…

Ok it is 2010 and there are to many heterosexual men acting like drama queens. It’s worst than Diana Ross and Rupaul fighting over who will direct Alexander McQueen documentary movie (to soon?). When a woman has to sit through 2 grueling hours listening to her man go through an emotional break down and explaining to her that his mother didn’t breast feed him as a baby and this is why all his past relationships didn’t work, that is a problem. Men love to call us females drama queens or crazy, when truth be told they are exactly like us. You are the company you keep and men must realize your female companion is a reflection of yourself. So if you chose to settle down finally with a chick, really pay attention to who you are dealing with. Don’t get me wrong I know there are a lot of crazy bitches out there, me being one of them sometimes (cellphone in the water) but I truly believe men love to bitch just as much. I have a lot of male friends and I would say 90% of them bitch more than my females friends (sorry I still love you guys). I’m all for deep intellectual conversations or really knowing a person, but when they start with the “my life sucks”, “I hate my chick or jumpoff”, “she breathes to loud during the movie”, or whatever, it gets a little annoying. I think I am going to start a men’s retreat so they can work on being less of a drama queen.

Blah

22 Jan

So while everyone is home or out watching football (which I don’t care for too much) I’m stuck at work taking annoying phone calls. Even though I don’t watch football I still want to enjoy buffalo wings, potato skins, and a couple of brewskies. Working Sundays really blows especially when you have a lot on your mind. But I thank the big man upstairs for Netflixs to get me through this grueling day (and of course WordPress). This weekend was disappointing but nonetheless its a new start to the week, and I am grateful to see another day. Also I start online classes soon which I’m exciting about and hopefully that will get me out the rut I’ve been in. Anywho pervs I need help with the next few topics because I’ve seem to run out of ideas at the moment…. I need more inspiration in my life. So give me your suggestions people….

Till next time

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Truth….

16 Jan

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Fun facts

15 Jan

So I’m bored at work and was talking to my girly Denise through text and I told her something about me that I haven’t told anyone. So I figure it would be fun to do a few facts about me that some might not know….

  • My favorite color is blue
  • I love seafood
  • My comfort food is mac and cheese with ground beef or tuna fish and crackers
  • I drink entirely too much ginger ale for someone who is trying to lose weight
  • My favorite drink is Henny & coke
  • I used to be a size 13/14
  • I wear a 9/10 in shoes
  • Ants freak me out
  • I think some jewish guys with curly fros are cute (like Adam Sandler and Ben Savage)
  • I was in love more than 2 times
  • Sometimes I just eat the cheese off pizza
  • I really love cheese
  • I wish I had a drag queen swag
  • I’m a Gleek
  • I come up with great ideas but never put them into action
  • I don’t want kids
  • I want to be married before 35
  • I can’t live without my Iphone
  • I like to walk around barefoot (so a clean floor is a must)
  • I like to sleep with 3 pillows
  • If I can have comfortable silence with someone I know they’re a keeper
  • Love sex
  • I’m a sucker for green eyes
  • I only like watching tv shows by myself (no interruptions)
  • I like to cuddle
  • I’m a uber bitch if I’m hungry
  • I hate when people don’t keep their word
  • I really hate liars and pretenders
  • I hate flying
  • I love to be in water
  • I wish I was more creative
  • All my toiletries and books must be in size order
  • I love taking naps
  • I wish I had a  closer relationship with some of my family members
  • I hate olives
  • Love reality TV
  • I want to move to San Francisco
  • I used to wear braces
  • I want more tattoos

Ok that’s all for now….

 

Another Year, Same type of feeling

8 Jan

Yes I already know, almost a whole year without writing anything. What can I say I go through these fazes where I want to write for 3 months, then read a whole book series, then paint or draw something. I can never settle down on something, I guess that’s the Sagittarius in me. Anywho to bring everyone up to speed, I feel like I’ve been on the same level throughout 2011. Work is still the same, the website flop, love life still non-existence. The only good thing that came out of the year was getting my car but then again that’s another bill to add to my plate. But hopefully this year will be a little different. I start on-line school in few weeks which I am excited about. New love interest? hmmm maybe, I’m just having fun for the moment but only time can tell. Oh and I’m trying to live a healthier life style; I started a few months ago. So far I lost 16 pounds and going to try to continue to work out more (thank you Wii Fit). Well I’m not going to promise I’ma write much but we shall see. Until next time….