My therapy…

13 Jun

It’s been a long time since I wrote on here; I forgot how writing can be my form of therapy. The last time I wrote I was supposedly in a wonderful relationship and doing great things. Well since then so much has changed. I’m about to give a summary of what happen in the past 3 years and hopefully my story will help someone that is going through a similar situation.

So August of 2013 I found out I was pregnant which was insane because I thought I can never get pregnant and for sure didn’t have any desire to have kids. But once I found out I was pregnant I was actually really happy and excited. I did every thing by the book, stop smoking, took my prenatal vitamins, ate healthy, went to all my doctors appointments, etc. But at 11 weeks I started to experience heavy bleeding and thought at that point I lost the baby. To my surprise my baby was still there and had a healthy strong heart beat, the doctor said my condition was uncommon but I was still able to carry. I carried all the way until 16 weeks and I went into labor. I won’t go into details but that was by far the most traumatic experience I’ve ever been through. To sit in the back of an ambulance by yourself giving birth and no on there to hold your hand and no one to explain what is happening at that moment.  At one point I’ve completely given up and was ready to just go, what was the point? It took me a few months to get back to “normal” and get into my routine.

A year and half later I broke up with someone that I thought I would marry but thinking back now I’m glad that never happened. After our breakup I started to experience really bad panic attacks to the point I couldn’t even go to work. Then it started to get to the point I couldn’t even leave my own house without feeling like I was about to get an attack. I avoided public transportation, highways, elevators, department stores, etc… I became a prisoner in my own home and head. I sunk into a depression because  I was always out and about and I couldn’t even do simple daily tasks. I started doing research, joined a support group, and eventually started going to therapy. I was diagnose with general anxiety, panic disorder, and agoraphobia.. great I sound like a textbook case. One thing I can say is I really recommend therapy even if you think you don’t have anything wrong with you. I didn’t realize I was holding onto things in the past that I thought I let go. I never fully mourn my baby passing because I went to work 2 weeks after that happen and didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I think my breakup with my ex was the tip of the iceberg. I was embarrassed that I actually let someone get me down the way they did and I was is in denial about it all.

With many months of therapy I’m finally back to doing things that I love to do. I won’t say I am back to the old Chrissy because this is the new, better version of myself. I’m not embarrassed anymore to show emotions or talk about my struggles. I’m definitely not where I want to be but for the first time I feel hopeful about the future.  Anywho enough of this sappy shit, I’ll get back to Umightgetoffended soon enough lol….

Purpose

15 Jul

Sometimes I wonder if I move far away where no one knows me would it be better? To start a new life and have a clean slate. To bury my most painful memories and have a new identity. People around me think they know me but do they really? Besides the basic things, my favorite food, color, music, movie; can they really say they know what makes me tick? What makes me sad, angry, happy, vulnerable? Too many times I have put myself out there and for what to get hurt? Someone once told me I must like pain because of the situations I put myself in sometimes. Maybe this is true but I feel it’s time to move on from the pain. I want to bury certain memories. Some of the memories are lucid but many are indelibly printed on the brain, usually the ones you want to erase. But these memories is an image, and each image is like a thread, and each thread is woven together to make a tapestry of intricate designs and textures. And that tapestry tells a story and that story is our past.

But than I remember this is what made me strong in the first place. Pain and struggle is what makes every thing make sense at the end of it all. You must feel a certain purpose once you made it through the turmoil. I’m struggling to find that purpose right now and feel like I’m muddling knees deep in quick sand. But when I look up and see past the dark covering of the trees, I see sunshine seeping through and this is what keeps me going. This might not make sense to some but to most who is struggling to find their purpose should understand the feeling of being lost. It’s not about anyone but yourself and this part of life you must walk alone. But the journey can be short if you can just find your purpose…..

Awkward Spanish Girl

25 Jun

 

I recently started watching a mini series on YouTube called The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl by Issa Rae and it is extremely funny. I see myself in her (even though I am not black) and I can relate to her in so many ways. It is definitely a must see and you can check out her other web series on Issarae.com. Watching the web series inspired me to write some of my awkward moments and I wanted to share with the rest of you. And after I write this I’m going to feel more awkward…Great!

  • Awkward moment when I am on the phone with a client and they put me on hold and I happen to like the hold music and start to sing along and the person comes back on the phone and stops me in the middle of a high note. This happened to me the other day and the hold music was Mariah Carey “we belong together”.
  • Awkward moment when your standing outside (either at work or your house) and you see someone who talks to much. I usually pretend to get an upsetting phone call or text so I can walk away.

 

  • Awkward moment when you’re looking at a dirty text or picture and someone walks behind you and you try to lock your phone hoping they didn’t see. (thank you BM for my privacy screen protector).
  • Awkward moment when a guy you don’t like keeps flirting with you and sending you IM’s asking when you’re going to let him take you out. I usually send a “lol” or say I am busy. (apparently that doesn’t work because they still do it).
  • Awkward moment when you’re texting an ex of yours and having a normal convo and they send you a text saying they love you. I usually just send a “awww”, “lol”, “smiley face”, or completely ignore it. I’m still trying to figure out which one is worst.
  • Awkward moment when your picking a wedgie and you see there is someone there…I’ll just pretend I’m wiping something off the back of my pants.
  • Awkward moment when someone ask me or notice my last name and automatically assume I speak spanish. Then I got to stop them mid-sentence and say “yo no hablo”. Then they proceed to say why you don’t speak spanish and I have to go into a whole spiel about my parents not teaching spanish at an earlier age…blah, blah, blah. Then I walk away feeling like a disgrace to my race and wanting to buy rosetta stone.
  • Awkward moment (part 2 of above moment) is when people say “I know your spanish but you don’t act like it”. Like really?! what do spanish people act like (ok I know what we act like and that’s for another post). But then I ask “what race do I act like?” and they usually say black or a mixture of different ones…. WTF!
  • And last but not least… Awkward moment when you realize that that person is just not into you…Whomp Whomp

 

(The awkward, chubby me a few years back…and no, those are just my play glasses)

Letter to young Chrissy

7 Jun

Dear Crystal Light,

In about 20 years you’re going to find yourself in a weird space. You are going to realize everything you wished for at 7 years old and everything you thought you wanted to accomplished won’t come true. The first super model-brain surgeon-astronaut is not going to happen because you develop a fear of the stage, you don’t like the hospital, and you now hate flying. I know it comes as a shock now because everyone around you will tell you, you can be whatever you want. What they don’t prepare you for is DISAPPOINTMENT.

My little baby girl you will get disappointed a lot in life but with all the disappointment you will develop a tough skin for this world. At a young age you will lose your innocence and oh how I wish I can go back and change that for you and tell you to wait until marriage or at least until you have more life experiences. You will meet people in school that you feel will be your best friend forever but then realize best friends become strangers. You will see so many people come and go in your life, I am surprise you don’t develop separation anxiety (but unfortunately you do inherit a type of anxiety disorder). Your first boyfriend would probably seem like he is the world to you but he will put you through so many things you would feel you can’t talk to anyone especially after ya break up. At this time you would go through a slight eating disorder but someone you least expect will be there for you and get you through this hard time. This will make you stronger and less gullible.

You will then meet your 2nd boyfriend someone older and wiser then you and realize you develop a thing for older men. You won’t take shit from anyone at this point because you don’t have any daddy issues. You will think at a young age of 19 that you are grown because you’re drinking and partying with older people but he will teach you that life is much more than that. He will be the person that molds you into womanhood but he will also be the person that truly breaks your heart 3 years later. Don’t let this bring you down because years later he will be a friend that is always by your side and you will understand that just because you can’t be with someone doesn’t mean you can’t be friends.

At this time you would go through a lonely stage and get with guys to fill that empty void you have after breaking up with your 2nd boyfriend. You will deal with someone who has an alcohol problem; you will deal with men that just want to be friends with benefits. You will meet men that “want to have their cake and eat it to”. You will try to be there for people because you’re a kind person and try to help them out as much as possible, but realize there are some people out there that you just can’t help. You will get frustrated at this point because you will unfortunately be attracted to assholes. Because of your tough skin you will be able to see through the bullshit but you will still want to be with someone because you’re lonely but don’t let this happen. You have to know you are worth more than an occasional phone call or text and know you are a good person with a good heart and any man would be lucky to be with you.

Yes baby girl you will be lonely a lot but you will have great friends in your life. You will have 2 best friends that been riding with you for over 15 years and other people in your life that wants the best for you. Your parents will be together for over 33 years and you will realize this is the type of relationship you want for yourself, so don’t settle for just anything and be patient because I’m sure someone will come along.

I am still waiting for my king but until than I will focus on changing myself for the better and getting a career I am finally content with. I will always have you baby girl in my heart and realize everything I do in life is to make you proud of me. I want you to understand that life is hard and you might want to give up but you must also realize life is really short. Live life to the fullest, love hard, play hard, work hard, and fuck anyone that is not on team Chrissy. I will continue to work hard until I feel you are proud of my accomplishments.

Love you more and more every day,

Christina

(inspired by Evelyn Lozada letter to her 7 year old self)Image

UMGO TV!!!

1 Apr

The website is coming soon guys!! This is just one section of the site. I can’t wait it’s finally happening….

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Guess I have a thing for eyes

14 Mar

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Has the Power of the “P” lost it’s value?

14 Mar

The stock value definitely went down when it comes to the Power of the “P”. I had many discussions with my female friends and it seems we have to ask for sex now. That is just absurd to me because before women had the power when it came to sex and men had the power when it came to starting a relationship. Now it seems they control both even though some women wouldn’t admit it. Maybe it’s because more women are giving it up easily, or we don’t have to be ashamed of our sexual needs anymore. Maybe it’s because some men like to get there A-hole tickled by the other team. Either way it leaves a lot of lonely, single females out there wanting to pray to the “O” gods but at the same time wanting the affection and love from a relationship. I am grateful that I am not emotional like most females but I still miss having someone there to spoon and watch TV with (ok I’m being a girl).  There are a lot of successful women nowadays but most of them are miserable when it comes to their personal life because they don’t have a partner. For me I’m not stressing it because I am still young, good-looking, and doing ok for myself. School is my main focus and once I graduate I need to find a better job. I’m just worried once I accomplish most of my goals and I’m living a comfortable life, will I still be alone? Will I turn into one of those miserable witches? Will I turn into a bird lady (I’m allergic to cats)? Only time will tell but until than thank you for the invention of a vibrator….